divendres, de febrer 16, 2007

Buddhists, and yeah, Āryaprabha, hahaha

Yesterday was a very bad trip. To start off the day I got into a power dispute with one of my bosses; it was practically an ego war in which there was really no rationale, just the dispute of who had the bigger balls. In that particular context I'm still Marc, so it's very easy for me to hide any sort of practice nonsense, so to speak, and let it all go down to see who was more determined to have his will done. However, Āryaprabha soon intervined and ordered Marc to silence. I allowed my boss "to win". I felt good that I wasn't being dominated by my very big ego, that I wasn't breaking the speech precepts and that I wasn't creating a bad atmosphere, etc... but then I thought, if she thinks I'm allowing her to have my bibliography she's wrong, waaaaay wrong, and later, she's gonna need lots of help with the task.... and I sure ain't helping. And to finish the issue I thought, well - she can go to hell. There you have it. Marc giving Āryaprabha a good run for hiS money. I find really fascinating how can I formally do something but internally the speech is quite the opposite, can it be a typical feature Mexicans get at birth, or can it be something I've adquired over time?
My parade of unskilfull mental states carried on later as I did my usual rounds at my local Starbucks. At some point a very handsome couple came in: she was tall, statuesque and very dignified, the kind of lady any guy would be proud to carry around. He wasn't very tall at all, but looked fit, wore great-fitting clothes and had this air of confidence about him. My comments would have been over by then, but I chose to keep on looking, and so it happened. I became tremendously envious of his looks; I thought, wow - he's got the looks everyone would love to have, seconds later had to go over my previous idea; he had the looks I have ever wanted and craved to have. It felt like venom all over my body, my breathing became heavier, I could sense the blood filling up my ears, the muscles in my face tensing at the thought, and specially the sight of that young man. Must have been a couple of minutes later, and so I calmed down, everything went back to normal for a short time, and then, another line of thought intoxicated me, mainly, the I'm shit, I'm worthless kind; whatever good there is in me I forgot because I felt that all those things were frivolous compared to having the right body. I felt devastated. It took me a long while to become aware of such thoughts and the effect they were having on my psyche. Envy and self-pity convined with sorrow, all in the course of five minutes or less! Really something to think about.