Transitions

I feel trapped in a crossroads. My social circle, so to speak, has changed rather dramatically this year, and I have also done things I had long forgotten or just simply put aside, disallowed from my usual doings. First, my friendship with V. has developed deeply, for that I'm very grateful. He's a loyal, wonderful friend, I wouldn't know what to do without his support, his love and incredible presence. V. is my best friend and he's just amazing. Friends whom I formerly had in the same regard have slowly but firmly gone astray from their former centre. They are there no more. Two have left my heart almost completely and thus have become a rather pleasant but very distant memory. The one I have regarded best, much to my surprise, has started to do the same. Change is the very nature of things. Distance is implacable when it comes to separate people both emotionally and psychologically, I guess.

For years I had stayed away from too much web socializing. I'm naturally sparkly, talkative, social to the bone, but this decade I have felt so disappointed with my looks. I have failed miserably to get it together, to act up, to have the gut and the will to improve it, or to develop it as I would like it to be. Nevertheless I had more or less learned to somewhat accept it and move on. But then I let myself be dragged into the highly addictive world of web socializing. For a while I was able to keep it somewhat in check, somehow under control, but now I find myself doing what a lot of people do beyond the plain networking with acquaintances, and that therefore has been the problem. Without much care to my mental states, I engage with conversations I shouldn't probably be having, I put so much energy in virtual friendships which may lead to no good, and some that networking ends with me confused, disappointed, and frankly quite derailed.

I spend then many hours wondering why that Afrikaner hasn't replied my chat requests, why that Catalan isn't sending me more raunchy material, why the Pole isn't as receptive as I'd like to to my wonderful conversation skills. Sheer waste of time. Ultimate taking refuge in all sorts of bad refuges. Am I going to do something about it? I don't know. I'm too hooked up to the game. I should go to bed now. This all is so crazy.