Patience

I'm Āryaprabha, I'm suppossed to be an engaged and practicing Buddhist. I am in many aspects, however, observing my behaviour at the different contexts where I interact with people, I can say a thing or two about myself. Firstly, I'm not, by any means, a "nice" Buddhist. I don't smile much, I try to avoid physical contact with people, I'm cheeky, perhaps way too much, I'm totally into practical jokes, I don't have the habit of being particularly warm to anyone and certainly have this tendency to look and act perhaps too assertively, something which may put people off. I'm not like some of my contemporaries in the Order who are sweet, charming, or welcoming, just overall nice. I know for sure that I'm not interested in being everyone's friend, and if someone asks me about the Dharma I tend to rather give a succint bibliography, rather than elaborate on the subject. The topic of meditation is of quite importance nowadays, well, of course it has got to be. I don't talk much about it, mainly because I'm not asked about it often, anyway. I think I have a quiet confidence in my practice, and I've seen it going deeper at times, and nowhere at others. As a Buddhist in not the best of conditions, at all, I all can say is that I do what I can. I try to focus my practice in ethics, in exploring how to live up to the precepts that I chose for myself, in this mad town of Mexico. Then I try to emphasize things like generosity, how can I give and perhaps make a difference?, and cultivating friendships with my brethren in the Order. I try to study the Dharma and use my time skilfully, even in the long, exhausting trips in the public transportation system. I do puya often, for myself and late at night. I am aware that if I wanted to, I could really go away from here and deepen my practice. But then I think that I need very clear, constant and various jobs to make ends meet and there's people who need my support, be it financial or moral. Many times I succeed in placing my practice at the core of my being, but then unfortunately, many times I forget the practice alltogether and just let myself go with the flow. But then again, I try my best. I remember that I made a vow to honour the confidence I received when I got ordained. Hopefully, over time, I'll be able to figure it out.