Late August post

I have to admit I feel very uncomfortable when being near to my former stepfather. In brief, he and my mother underwent a rather nasty separation process, made more painful by my half-sister, who sort of sided with him. It was very painful for my mum, and it took her months to get back on her feet and reclaim her life. And then, last June, he had a stroke. In other posts I've stated how my mother has been helping him, even though she's got no legal or moral obligations towards him anymore. Anyhow, today my mother invited us to her house for a family meal. Half-heartedly I accepted the invitation. It's awkward, it's difficult. The man I used to call my stepdad did have a lot to do with my upbringing, some features of my character may be a reflection of his, and he did support me financially for many years. But then, I can't get over the fact that he did all he could to humiliate my mother during the separation. I can't get over the fact that he threw her out of the house they got bought and then managed to legally keep it all for himself. I can't get over the fact that he managed to poison my fragile sister's mind. Yes, ignorance, hatred, fear, all do play a significant role in our lives, don't they. I try, not very willingly, but I do, to include my former ex stepfather in my metta meditations. Hopefully, I'll be able to develop some sort of positivity towards him, and not so much the current strangement I experience. I'm also meditating more on how to develop more equanimity, at times I feel overwhelmed by how our current situation is unfolding. My mum stretching to the limit, by having to handle a full-time job, a household and a crippled ex, plus my ballistic and unstable sis and handicapped niece. As for myself, I should really really go and have my leg checked, if I could only find the time, and more importantly, the will to do it....

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As for other things, I've been fantasizing about moving alone, or with a roomie. It could be yet another stressful experience, for I have never lived by myself, and have never had to really take care of bills and all that stuff, but it could also strenghten my -already well developed- sense of independence. Plus, I'm tired of living so far of the places where I really gravitate to, namely, the colonia Roma and all that zone...

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The other day I was enjoying a cold and refreshingly addictive Coke, sitting in a bench at the colonia Condesa, not caring about anything in the world, really, when one of the many runners there passed me by. He looked, of course, very fit, focused and self-absorbed. He may also have been listening to something really interesting on his iPod. And then, his wallet dropped out of his -very tight- pants. How could he not have felt it? Anyways, I picked it up and tried to get his attention, but Mr. Fitness was too focused, or too cool to care. So, I was left there with his sweaty wallet. With my size and stamina, I wasn't going to start sprinting after him, so I put out my walkman and figured that since he was running in circles, it would be a few minutes before he'd be back. And so, a few tracks later he was back, running in straight line towards where I was, and I swear, I made every possible gesture to get his attention, but the man just looked away. Then it happened. I felt horribly bad: ignored, overlooked and plainly stupid. I mean, all of the demons and unsecurities I carry because of my looks were stamped to me right on my face. I thought, stupid foreigner, imbecile, what do I care. A minute later into his running, just as I was thinking of just dropping the wallet to the ground, he may have touched him bum and realised something was missing, just as I was packing my stuff ready to leave, he may have realised that I kept wanting to get his attention not because of him, but because I was kind enough to let him know of his missing thing. So, he did come back, approached me, and said something in whatever tongue he spoke, I threw his wallet half a meter towards where he was, and never really looked back. The jogger may have said something, but by then I was totally immersed in horrible mental states, therefore didn't notice.

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For a next couple of hours, my whole world was reduced to me being this and that unattractive, to this and that about my health, and so on. It was very painful and so incredibly unskilful. Fortunately some prabha came out of me and managed to get better. It came as a big dissappointment how I allowed something really silly to affect me. Damn, I thought. Anyhow, just for the sake of it, yesterday I came back to the same spot, bought me another frozen Coke and just sat watching the world go by. Guess who I saw. He probably runs every day. We didn't make eye contact, and really didn't want to. And I was a bit more vigilant of my mental states this time.