Happy Order Birthday, Aryaprabha

Don't really know how happy I'm supposed to be. Actually, last Sunday, as I was remembering that wonderful day at Padmaloka, I felt a bit of rush, as the remembrance of my both my private and public ordinations were joyous. It felt as if it had happened a long time ago, but it was only in 2006. What has happened to me as an Order Member since? As with most things in life, it's been a long shade of grays. Sometimes clear, almost white and others the opposite, but never in the same tone. I feel very positively about my Order and its practitioners, and feel very happy to put into practice what I've learned through them, and I feel especially happy about the few, but very significant friendships I'm building or deepening within it. It's a side effect, but I also feel more confidence in myself, in general terms and in pretty much whatever I do. I do feel it was the most important day in my life, when those verses where read, in which I was reborn into the Buddha's family. It was momentous. My birth had borne fruit. It had a meaning, a reason to be far greater that what I had envisaged before. Aryaprabha became a joy, an affirmation of a conviction, of faith, and a tremendous responsibility. In this last idea is where results have been more mixed. I feel confidence in our common practices as Order Members and truly hope and wish that whatever it is that my Brothers and Sisters are doing, they are doing it ethically and thinking on their spiritual well~being. As for the personal relationships and institution~building in my context, Mexico City, things have evolved in its particular way. At times it seems our differences of ideology and practice are greater than our common training, or, is there a common thing at all anymore? And life in this city is very difficult, so it makes meetings or briefings a thing to be planned with much care and well ahead in time, and since punctuality isn't our virtue, it becomes all the more difficult... And as for the exclusive development of my personal ideology, I've willingly prioritized making ends meet and following up my professional aspirations. And I find it even surprising to myself that I don't feel the slightest need to justify either to anyone or having to explain them to no one neither. My life has become more fixed, in a way simpler, but incredibly rich and complex internally. And even with the cornucopia of diseases I suffer, my energy seems to flow nonstop. And it is here where I have to decide things which in a WBO-institutional way may sound disappointing. As I see it and experiment it, FWBO Mexico is divided into several small projects, some seemingly opposed to one another, not necessarily in negative way, just disperse. And at times I can't really figure out if there's actually any sort of coherent project at all, and so I need to channel my energies to a structure I feel I can rely on. And I find it only in my personal projects, and that's why I'm going to follow my 'dreams' and aspirations and focus in reaching a few set goals, which may not include really anything involving the Mexican wing of the Order, and at least to me, I can accept and deal with it, and take full responsibility for what may occur... So, I'm gonna sit and do my meditation, perhaps a puja later and I'm going to take some time to remember those beautiful days in October of 2006. Happy Birthday, Aryaprabha. I'm truly happy, grateful and delighted you were born.

Midnight, almost, gairebé, casi

Ahora si que mi ñoñez es absoluta. Sábado por la noche, y ya se me hizo costumbre pasarlo delante de la computadora haciendo trabajo de algún tipo, o preparando clase o alucinándome yo solo. I think I've started to move to a world of my particular invention, as if reality and my personal fiction were merging into one thing. Después de tanto trabajo, me mudo a una zona cómoda, donde hay comida en abundancia, electropop a morir, y mis fantasías personales, una tras la otra, que por supuesto están basadas en eventos de la realidad, pero que no dejan de ser fantasías... Encara em trobo malament per l'afer d'aquest estiu, una cosa tan forta que encara no puc digerir... i encara no tinc clar com reaccionar a uns dies de la mort d'un dels meus mestres, d'una persona molt qualificada en la seva disciplina, el director de la nostra coral. Ens trobem malament, però jo agraeixo d'alguna manera que la meva relació amb el mestre sempre va ser formal i professional, i no pas d'amistat, perquè no voldria haver de patir tan fortament, com ara ho fan alguns dels meus companys. La gent em comenta que em troba bé, amillorat, content, tranquil i satisfet després del viatge a Montreal. D'una banda és correcte, i d'altra, no gaire, pro na fent..

Más angustia, parece que la disfruto...

Más angustia porque no se sabe lo que pasará con la economía del país...
Más angustia porque no puedo controlar mi insomnio...
Más angustia porque ya tendría que entregar parte de la tesis...
Más angustia porque no sé a ciencia cierta de qué se tratará dicha tesis...
Más angustia porque el trabajo es una ¿burla?...
Más angustia porque no sé si podré emigrar lejos y fuera de este país...
Más angustia porque D. no acaba de olvidar aquello que debería olvidar...
Más angustia porque me avergüenza que D. no pueda olvidarse de vid. arriba...
Más angustia porque tengo que ir al dentista...
Más angustia porque ya adquirí una que otra deuda...
Más angustia porque no puedo meditar...
Más angustia porque parece ser mi estado natural...
Más angustia porque a lo mejor la disfruto...

La canción que mejor me describe en este momento

After Canada...

It's become crystal-clear to me that the only proyect I really care about is my own. And the side-proyects I'm interested in are helping my mother and sister to get on with their lives, and that's pretty much it. All the rest takes a back seat. Mexico is becoming your average study case for a failed state. The country's financial, institutional even moral structures all seem to be falling apart, perhaps not suddenly or loudly, but one by one, little by little. While in Canada many things became somewhat more obvious to me, first, how I long to experience life in another country, in a more lawful place, I may be too romantic, but I'm tired of Mexican cynicism, of utter chaos and disorganisation. I also realized how in many ways I've been limited by my insecurities, by my lack of will and determination, by being willingly lethargic. I want out. And no, I don't feel specially attached to, or feel a great deal of loyalty or responsibility to any of the institutions I'm currently involved with in Mexico. A fellow Order member asked me whether I'd do fine without the "spiritual support" of said group, and yes, I'll be fine. The Order doesn't have any significant effecto on me while in Mexico, so my spiritual practice depends on my will and the quality of my mental states. Thereby I don't think it'll be too different if I go abroad....

Montreal

I've been here for a week now. I've quite enjoyed it, can't complain. My friend Luis has been a great host and has made my stay relatively easy. I never thought I'd have such a strong reaction to the French language, though! It's been a decade since I last tried to speak it and it doesn't come natural at all. But language problems aside, it's been a really good experience being here.

Wie als ob ich nichts besseres zu tun hätte

Diese Woche bedeutet für mich etwas ganz interessantes: ich fliege nach Kanada am kommenden Donnerstag. Ich habe viel zu tun davor. An der Universität gibt es viel Arbeit, besonders mit einem Paar Klassen. Wie immer, wenn ich unter Druck bin, fange ich an, um unwichtige Dinge zu denken, und natürlich, alles ist plötzlich schwierig und problematisch. Ich hoffe, ich kann alles spätestens am Mittwoch lösen, damit ich keine Sorgen mit mir nach Kanada bringe. Ich bin sehr froh, dass ich diese Reise mache. Meine letzte internationale Reise war schon vor zwei Jahren. Ich will Mexiko mindestens zwei Wochen verlassen. Dieses Land bietet sehr wenige positive Dinge... Es ist alles so brutal kaputt in Mexiko, dass ich mich nicht vorstellen kann, in diesem Lande noch lange zu leben. Es ist traurig und eine echte Schade. Ich benötige etwas Luft...